The Monthly Blab is a satirical newsletter that imagines outrageous gardening happenings, fantastically defunct characters, and other lighthearted pieces of “breaking news.”
Gertie Garrulous is the acclaimed gardening columnist for the famous gardening newsletter The Monthly Blab, which is distributed to millions of subscribers throughout the nation. She is a graduate of Inertia Community College in Calamity Gulch, Alabama.
The following columns appeared in the April newsletter.
HELPFUL ADVICE FROM A GARDENER IN HOGWASH, TENNESSEE.
Getting the lawnmower ready for summer in eight easy steps:
- Assemble tools needed: wrench, oilcan, duct tape, and glue.
- Make sure gluggles and whatsits are free of dust. Brush off spiderwebs including “spider’s victim.” This is a moth so large that machine guns could have been mounted on its wings.
- Oil fluger, being careful not to contaminate exstimbulator.
- Using wrench, tighten all dribbets, doodads, and dactyls.
- Fix loose handles (more or less) with extra strength glue. Wind ten feet of duct tape around handle.
- Empty fuel tank: refill.
- Order family and animals to stand well back (especially the nervous cat).
- Test by pulling cord exactly 89 times. When five minutes away from a hernia rupture, throw the &*%$@ machine into back of pick-up and take to professional.
WIGLESS WOMAN SUES ROCK GROUP.
by Gertie Garrulous
Rocker Slick Slagger, 81, and his group “The Screechers” are being sued by LaBelle Klabber, 87, for the loss of her wig during a concert at the Alabama Nurseryman’s Convention & Flower Show.
When the band, who were on their 40th annual farewell tour, switched on their incredibly amplified sound system, it blew Klabber’s wig off! The wig flew through the air and was grabbed by an intoxicated teenager who immediately disappeared with it.
Police are making inquiries into the theft.
Mrs. Klabber is suing for mental cruelty and replacement o the wig. When interviewed by a reporter from the Alabama Sludge, she said, “I was humiliated. Me and my boyfriend share a birthday, and we couldn’t celebrate as usual at the No Hope Bar and Grill.”
Her boyfriend, Homer Schnauzzer, 92, was more upbeat. “We’re going to sue for a bundle,” he cackled, displaying gleaming dentures. “Yesiree Bob, this sure is our lucky day. Now LaBelle can retire from her job at Quik Fix Plumbing. We’re going to skedaddle down to Vegas and have ourselves a time.”
Because of recent hip and knee replacement surgery, Slik Slagger was unable to appear in court. He was represented by his attorneys–Grabbe, Steele, and Nabbe, who were confident all charges would be dropped.
TEETH LOST IN GUST OF WIND
by Gertie Garrulous
A freak wind blew through Colorado yesterday, damaging the well-known vegetable nursery of Hiram Glockenspiel, 88. Mr. Glockenspiel, who was milking Daisy the cow at the rear of the nursery, was swept up and deposited (with Daisy!) in a neighbor’s field. He and Daisy were unhurt. His only complaint was the loss of his teeth, which were blown out of his mouth by the force of the wind. The milk pail is still missing.
“Me and Daisy was sure surprised to find ourselves in Farmer Smith’s field,” mumbled Mr. Glockenspiel when interviewed by a reporter from the Colorado Bilge. “We hightailed it back to the nursery, thanking the Good lord for sparing us. But what about my teeth? I tried the wife’s teeth but they kept falling out. Now how in Hades am I going to talk tomorrow about how to grow a ten foot long cucumber without my *&%$& teeth?”
THRILLING LAWN NEWS!
by Gertie Garrulous
Great news for all you gardeners who are tired of looking at the same old boring green lawn. World famous scientist Professor I.M. Daft has created a black and white checkered lawn! His company, Check That Lawn, is located at Cyanide Creek, Arkansas. The first lawn was installed at the home of De Witt Cartwright-Cartwright VII in Beverly Hills, CA. When interviewed by a PIFFLE Magazine reporter, Mr. Cartwright-Cartwright exclaimed, “My wife Bunty and I are overwhelmed by the positive response from neighbors and friends.”
A few snide remarks were heard from such visitors as Sir Marmaduke Poshington of Snobbery Manor in Kent, U.K.
“Balderash!” he sneered, “These new fangled ideas will never be accepted in the United Kingdom.”
His cousin, Lord Montague Swanky, loyally agreed. “Quite tight, old chap. It’s all bosh, absolutely!”
These comments were put down to Brit envy and annoyance at the loss of the colonies in 1776.