Gardening Tips (On the Lighter Side)

The holiday season is a busy time. Sometimes it seems like everything that can go wrong will, so here are a few household tips and tricks to get you through the next couple of chaotic weeks ;).

Pruning mania:

Never allow an enthusiastic but inexperienced partner loose in the garden with a very sharp pair of hedge cutters. In a short time, an 8-foot shrub will be reduced to three twigs and a few tired-looking leaves.

Avoiding kitchen disasters:

Never go into the garden for just five minutes, leaving a pot of soup or stew boiling on the stove. Two hours later you will return to a smoke filled kitchen and a blackened pot with three pieces of slime stuck to the bottom. Here’s how to deal with this disaster.

Get down on your knees and apologize to the firefighters.

How to clean a blackened pot:

  1. Into the pot pour one cup of vinegar, one of toilet bowl cleanser, six denture cleaning pills, a pinch of curry powder, and several squirts of foaming shaving cream (unperfumed).
  2. Allow pot to stand for two days.
  3. Empty pot of liquids; pot still black.
  4. When no one is looking, throw pot into garbage.
  5. Buy new pot.

Getting the lawnmower ready for summer in eight easy steps:

  1. Assemble tools needed: wrench, oilcan, duct tape, screwdriver, and glue.
  2. Make sure gluggles and whatsits are free of dust. Brush off spiderwebs, including spider’s victim. This is a moth so large, machine guns could have been mounted on its wings.
  3. Oil fluger, being careful not to contaminate exstimbulator.
  4. Using wrench, tighten all dribbets, doodads, and dactyls.
  5. Fix loose handles (more or less) with duct tape and glue.
  6. Empty out fuel tank. Then refill.
  7. Order family and animals to stand well back (especially nervous cats).

Test by pulling cord 89 times. When five minutes away from hernia rupture, load the &*$#inh machine onto pick-up and take to a professional!

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